If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
