I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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