I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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