I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Randomize
