I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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