So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
