You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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