im drinking this country out of the recession.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
did i walk over a car last night?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
