If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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