fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize