when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it