i just sent this text using only my big toe
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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