I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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