Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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