It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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