Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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