Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
