So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
