My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
