some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
