the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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