Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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