I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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