He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
