Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
