i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
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You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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