someone threw a dead crab at me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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