why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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