My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
