3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
