Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
