even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
