I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
