I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
