Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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