Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
