Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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