i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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