I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
