I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
