It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
