a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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