Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
