I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
