I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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