eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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