you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
