I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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