I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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