My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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