i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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