as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
