Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
