is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
