My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
