He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
