I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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