I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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